The Good Girl to People-Pleasing Mom Pipeline

The good girl to people-pleasing mom pipeline is real.

A lot of us learned pretty early what was expected of us:

• Be nice.

• Be polite.

• Be friendly.

• Be helpful.

• Don't be too loud or too difficult.

• Don't have huge feelings.

• Be affectionate.

• Give people hugs.

• Be charming, but don't draw too much attention to yourself.

• Have opinions, but don't be bossy.

And when you did those things, people often told you what a good girl you were.

It makes sense that we would keep doing them.

Over time, being "good" can become tied up with being liked, loved and accepted.

We learn to pay attention to what other people need and how they're feeling. We learn to avoid conflict. We learn that making other people comfortable is sometimes more important than being comfortable ourselves.

Then we grow up and the expectations get a little more complicated.

Be pretty, but don't seem like you're trying too hard. Be feminine. Be successful, but not intimidating. Be independent, but also nurturing. Be desirable, but not too sexual. Be agreeable. Be nice.

And then we become mothers, which is where things can get really interesting.

Because motherhood gives you a whole new set of rules that other people suddenly feel very comfortable having opinions about.

Your pregnancy. Your birth. How you feed your baby. How you sleep. Whether you go back to work. How you parent. How much family sees your baby. What boundaries you have.

The good girl can develop a strong voice when it comes to how we respond to these expectations.

...You're pregnant and you really don't want people visiting you in the hospital, but you're already worrying about how disappointed your mother-in-law is going to be.

...Someone touches your pregnant belly and you don't like it, but you laugh and let it happen because telling them to stop feels rude.

...Your doctor suggests something you're uncomfortable with and you agree immediately, then go home and realize you actually had a lot of questions.

...You're exhausted postpartum and desperately need your partner to take on more, but you find yourself asking for help as though you're asking for a favour rather than asking the other parent to parent.

...Or you've made a decision about breastfeeding, sleep, daycare or going back to work and you're completely comfortable with your choice until someone else questions it.

Suddenly you're over-explaining yourself, defending yourself and wondering if you've made the wrong decision.

And the good girl has a fear underneath all of this is:

"Will people still think I'm a good person if I disappoint them?"

This is one of the things I find so interesting about motherhood. It can bring these patterns to the surface whether we are ready to face them or not.

We're trying to teach our kids that they can say no. That they don't have to hug people. That they can have big feelings. That they can tell us when they don't like something. That their bodies belong to them.

And then we realize we're still saying yes when we mean no...

We're still apologizing for having needs.

We're still over-explaining our decisions.

We're still worrying about whether someone is upset with us.

We're still trying to make sure everyone is comfortable before we let ourselves be comfortable.

That realization can be uncomfortable, but I also think it can be really useful.

The goal isn't to stop caring what anyone thinks or to become someone who never compromises. To consider other people's feelings is a part of being human and being in relationship.

The question is more about whether we're making a choice because we genuinely want to, or because we're afraid of what will happen if we don't.

One question I like to come back to is:

If I knew nobody would be disappointed or think less of me, what would I choose?

You don't necessarily have to choose that thing. Sometimes there are practical reasons we can't. But it's worth knowing what your answer is.

Motherhood doesn't automatically make us better at boundaries or less concerned with what other people think. But it can give us a reason to start looking at the things we learned about what it means to be a "good" woman.

This can be one of the really meaningful (and challenging) parts of becoming a parent.

We get to notice what we were taught, decide what we actually believe, and decide what we want to pass down to the next generation.